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Six Skills for Better Conversations

“A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal herself or himself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want.”

– David Whyte

Studies show that conversation has a significant benefit to your happiness. As a result, conversations build trust while strengthening relationships. They also benefit your health and wellbeing.

Good conversations flow freely when you exchange your thoughts and ideas. You feel comfortable and put others at ease. Use these skills regularly to sustain an authentic informative conversation and keep it going.

Six skills for better conversations to practice and master.

Building these skills will improve the quality of your conversations, build deeper relationships and help you leave a good impression on new people you meet.

Create a safe space.

Make it safe for the other person and the conversation. Show that you care. Building trust is essential for good conversations. Ask good questions, listen to their answers and respond appropriately. More about these three below…

Ask questions.

To begin a conversation or have the conversation continue, you need to ask some well-crafted questions. Ask questions to help you find common areas with the other person. Use questions to come up with a topic to discuss when you don’t know what to talk about. Questions can help you get to know the other person by demonstrating interest. Or they can spark dialog.

Some questions work better than others in building a conversation. Closed-ended questions usually have one answer, often is a “yes” or “no” or perhaps a date or name or some number. Usually the conversation ends there. Then you must come up with another idea to keep it going or let the conversation die.

Open-ended questions on the other hand, have more complex answers that provide fuel for the conversation to evolve and move. Be like a good reporter – use the 5 W’s as a starting place.

The Five W’s are: Who? What? When? Where? Why? Set up your question in a way that allows for more than one answer. This gets people thinking and shows that you want a discussion, not just information.

Examples are questions like, “What do you think will happen when…” or “What types of things do you do when….” This type of question opens the door for all types of possibilities.

Listen.

Listen to their responses. Pay attention to what they say. It takes work. We have so much chatter going on in our heads that distracts us from what others are saying. You’re thinking about our to-do list, about how you’re going to respond, or when the waiter will bring your meal. You have to shut off the mental noise.

Convey that you are listening by using appropriate facial expressions, making eye contact, not fidgeting, occasionally nodding and by simply replying to or referencing something they said.

Respond with a related comment.

Be relevant. Relax and let go of any pre-set agenda you may have had. Simply be present and relaxed. Your words will come easily when needed. It’s fine to pause and think before you make a comment. You could say, “I never thought of it that way” or “I need to think about that” if you can’t think of something to say. Or ask another question.

Share about yourself.

Be willing to be a bit vulnerable. Share a little about yourself and encourage others to do the same. Get over any self-consciousness or fear of rejection. Everyone is worth knowing and our voices are worth hearing. It doesn’t mean you have to share your greatest struggle or bare everything about yourself. Just share enough that the other person gets to see that you are a real person. Tell a story about yourself, share some personal background and leave the clichés out of the conversation.

You want to give the other person some part of you to connect to. Giving and taking are necessary in every part of your life, in business and personal relationships. The most beneficial conversations should leave all parties feeling as if you received as much, or more, than you gave.

And finally…please…

Keep your phone out of sight.

Little is worse than trying to have a conversation with someone who constantly looks down at their phone. It’s a conversation killer.

Use these skills to begin building better conversations with others. The art of conversation doesn’t have to be difficult or intimidating. It’s simply an exchange of shared information.

Now for a conversation invitation…

You are hereby invited to join us in conversations with our free monthly Gallant Leader™ Community Coaching Calls. Register now to join the July 2020 call. If you would like to join us every month, please let us know and we will add you to the list.

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Want to Raise Your Profile? Ask for A Raise!

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A lesser-known benefit of asking for a raise:

When you get outside your comfort zone and ask for a raise, you raise your profile.

In your leader’s eyes, and in your own eyes. When you ask for more than what your leader or manager has offered, this positions you automatically as someone who goes for what she wants. Someone who WILL take the risk that she might not get it, at least not right then. Someone who will also more than likely do the same for your organization.

I was recently interviewed by women.com and shared my top 5 tips for asking for a raise, and 3 things to avoid doing. I also shared a brief story about a client who successfully negotiated a more than 20% increase, in part by recruiting an ally for her cause. Click on the women dot com logo to check out the full article here:

My client was initially offered far less when she asked for a raise to a specific amount. She stuck with her number and ended up with more than a 20% salary increase. The added benefit: Her leader told her he appreciated how prepared she was for the conversation, and noted that she was being a great advocate for herself.

Boom! Profile raised.

The benefit of raising your profile can far out-weigh and even outlast any increase in salary, position, benefits or responsibility. Asking for a raise or promotion positions you as someone to take seriously. Someone who takes her work and her value seriously.

You can take the other road, keep your head down and focus on delivering great work, and hope they notice and reward your efforts, without your having to ask for it. But let me ask you:

How’s that working for you?

Here’s some math: Over the course of your career, you could be leaving behind $1,500,000 by not asking. That’s a lot of zeros. A lot of shoes — a lot of family vacations– a lot more time in good health.

If you aren’t asking for more because you are nervous, afraid or unsure of what to say, this only means that asking for a raise is not familiar to you. Get some help from someone who can help you figure it out, help you practice and rehearse the conversation. Work with a coach or advisor, or a peer who has done it successfully. Join a community where others are practicing these new skills too.

Then buckle up buttercup! Grab a bit of courage and go ahead and ask!

I’d love to hear any of your experiences with how asking for a raise has raised your profile. I know we can all use hearing some encouraging stories.

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The 5 Cs to Authentic Negotiation

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Last week I had the privilege of speaking at the Vancouver Chapter of Lean In Canada on the topic Master the Art of Negotiating and Get the Yes! Vancouver Chapter President Florence Yeung neatly summarized the key points from my talk on her own Blog. Her article so nicely captures my five-point authentic negotiation model I am sharing it here in full, with Florence’s permission:

Can you use better negotiation skills?

I think all of us can. Most women are afraid of negotiating and are 2.5X more likely to feel anxious about it than men.

I recently attended an event where the guest speaker, Carrie Gallant, taught us the 5 C’s to negotiate authentically and found these tips to be helpful so I want to share it with our readers with Carrie’s permission.

CLARIFY TO AMPLIFY

Be clear about what it is you are negotiating about. Are both sides clear on what is at stake and what is being negotiated? Laying out a clear and focused foundation for the negotiation helps set the stage for a successful negotiation.

CONNECT TO PARTNER AND PROFIT

When we think of negotiation we often feel like it’s us against them, it’s a win-lose situation. What needs to change with your mindset is that negotiating can be a partnership. A true ‘win’ in negotiation is when both sides get the majority of what they want, not when both sides ‘meet in the middle’.

So connect with your partner and grow the pie bigger, through understanding their objectives, how they want to be treated, and truly listen to understand their needs.

COLLABORATE TO CREATE YES

It can be as simple as using language such as ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ in your conversation. Similar to the point above, you want to take a collaborative approach, how can you both get what you want and grow the pie bigger overall? You will need to get creative with your options and potential outcomes, but that is what negotiation is supposed to do, flesh out all the options that could work for both parties.

CRAFT THE CONVERSATION

The best approach to take is to be calm and assertive. Easier said than done of course, but if you put in the necessary prep work to think through every possible scenario, every possible question and potential answer from your negotiation partner, you are much more likely to achieve success.

Some tactics would be to consider your openers, building your questions strategy, testing assumptions, and when to make an offer (whoever makes the first offer places an anchor for the negotiation).

One tool that is often overlooked in negotiation is silence. After you make your offer, don’t be in a haste to jump in and justify your needs, just stay silent, and wait for the other party to respond. Silence is golden.

COMMIT AND CELEBRATE

The end of a negotiation is perceived to be the point when both parties shake hands, signaling that an agreement has been reached. However, in Carrie’s words, a sprinter doesn’t stop right at the finish line, their adrenaline takes them far beyond the finish line before they can come to a complete stop. Agreement is great, but now you need ‘commitment‘.

Who is going to do what?
When are they going to do it?
How are they going to do it?

You need to outline all the next steps that need to be actioned to get the ball rolling, THEN you can celebrate.

While we have outlined some of the key negotiation principles Carrie shared with us during the event, there are many benefits to schedule a one-on-one with a negotiation expert like Carrie. They can help you built your negotiation strategy to get the most out of a salary negotiation, taking you further in your career.

Original article posted on Florence’s site at Pendulum Magazine.

If you’re looking to build your negotiation and influencing muscles, check out the E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Leaders Lab online program.

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Scott McGillivray’s 6 Keys to Negotiation

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Knowledge Empowers You™.

Scott McGillivray used this trademarked K.E.Y. phrase in his short presentation on real estate investing. The popular host of HGTV’s Income Property and the new Buyer’s Bootcamp shared his wisdom and experience in the art of negotiation and real estate investing with flashes of his megawatt smile.

Scott sprinkled his presentation with some behavioural economics (think Robert Cialdini’s laws of influence) and positive psychology, with a quote from Shawn Achor at the end:

“The more you believe in your own ability to succeed, the more likely it is that you will.”

Scott shared a few key nuggets on the art of negotiating a great deal, which was number two in his list of ten things for real estate investors, right after education in the number one spot.

Highlights from Scott’s short tutorial on the art of negotiation:

Focus on fundamentals over emotion. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement. Do your research.
Be savvy. Real Estate agents are savvy; buyers need to be savvy too.
Older is wiser. Bidding wars happen on properties that are recently listed. Look for properties that have been on the market for a while. Older listings don’t get as many views, and often mean the buyer initially listed over-value, then discounted. And many buyers are put off by discounted listings because they perceive there must have been something wrong. This creates an opportunity to…
Solve a problem for the seller. Sellers are motivated for many reasons outside of the sale price of their home. Maybe they need a short closing date. If you’re in a position to meet that need, you can probably exchange that for a reduction in the sale price. That worked for me in my first home purchase when I learned the seller had a 30 day close on their next home and wanted to avoid bridge financing. This knowledge and my counter offer netted me an 18% reduction in the sale price.
Be good at putting in offers and put in different types of offers.
Be firm on your price and be willing to walk away. (You’ve heard me say this one before.) Nine out of ten offers that Scott makes are rejected by the seller. And yet…he has a multi-million dollar portfolio of real estate investments.

What I liked most about seeing Scott’s presentation was his showing up consistently (one of Cialdini’s laws of influence). He shows up in person as the same person he shows up on his reality TV shows. I like how he treats people. After the show, I had a chance to speak with a few of his team, and they echoed my assessment – he’s the same guy to work with.

I recalled from an early episode on Income Property when Scott emphasized that treating your tenants well is good business. Give them a nice place to live and treat them well, and they will treat your property well. Yes!

When I was buying my first home in Toronto I wanted an income suite to support my single-income mortgage. My standard for the second suite was that it had to be something I would live in myself. It bugged me to see other income property owners with suites that were dirty, uncared for and substandard. How would you feel living there?

Scott shared a poignant story about a long term tenant who recently moved out. Scott’s practice in welcoming new tenants is to leave them a welcome card and a bottle of wine. This tenant left his apartment after nine years, with a card and a bottle of wine for Scott. The law of reciprocity in action!

A reminder again of my first house in Toronto. After viewing 30 homes before finding the right one, my realtor gifted me with a lovely bowl she saw me admire in a local café we frequented to compare notes after a viewing, PLUS a cheque for $300 to help fund my renovations to install a separate suite in the single family home. Now that’s class! I remembered that gesture, recommended her often, and I still use that bowl.

Scott obviously lives by what he teaches, and his passion for helping others do the same was evident in his message:

Knowledge without action is just data. Implementation is key to succeed.

What can you implement from these lessons in your own negotiations?

If you’re looking to build your negotiation and influencing muscles, check out the E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Leaders Lab online program.

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7 Signs You Could Be Under-Earning

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Are you Under-Earning?

You might be under earning – earning less than your worth – even if you make over six figures!

How do you know if you are? There are several signs of under-earning, some common and some not so common.

Barbara Stanny defines an Under-Earner as “someone who makes less than she needs or desires despite efforts to do otherwise.”

Red Alert! Before you read further, I want you to stop. Even if you already recognize yourself here, be kind to yourself. Do not label yourself as an “under-earner”. Focus instead on the signs of under-earning behaviours. Because you can shift and even swap them out for more self-affirming behaviours that will move you closer to earning your true worth.

I collected quite a list of signs of under-earning behaviour from what I hear from my clients, in my speaking engagements and through informal surveys – and I’m going to share the Top Signs of Under-Earning with you over the next few weeks. I’m also going to share some tips that will empower you to overcome these signs of under-earning.

Empowerment begins with Awareness. Awareness of both your strengths and blind spots – where you may not be experiencing the results you could.

Let’s begin raising that awareness today.

Notice which of these signs show up in your life. You might be surprised!

7 Signs You Could Be Under-Earning:

You KNOW you are worth more than you are being paid. You’re just not sure how to prove that. You find it difficult to articulate what your worth is exactly, and are baffled how others seem to do it.

Your strengths, talents or genius are your “best kept secret”. You often hear others say, “I didn’t know you could do that!” or, “I didn’t know you were an expert in that!”

You keep getting passed over for promotions or business opportunities. You see others getting ahead who are less qualified than you.

You are not working in your “Genius Zone” 80% of the time. Most of the time you do work that you could delegate or stop doing altogether. You could be leveraging your time doing what you are really good at, that comes easy for you, and has the biggest impact.

You sit on the outside ring at important meetings, gravitating to the social crowd rather than the influencer crowd. It’s easier to sit at the back and socialize with your peers, than to put yourself “out there”, sit in the hot seat at the Big Table. You shy away from standing out.

You stay in your “comfort zone” and don’t take any risks. You’ve been hurt or penalized before, and you don’t want to experience that again.

Each of these signs of under-earning is a symptom of the #1 Sign of Under-Earning on today’s list:

You are not Shining Your Light.

Rather than getting help (coaching, mentoring, training) to boost your capacity to handle difficult of situations that challenge you (having a difficult conversation, standing up for yourself, asking or negotiating for something), you hang back where it’s comfortable and stay small.

By being the Shrinking Violet rather than risking being cut down as a Tall Poppy, you are also shrinking from opportunities for others to SEE you, to see what you are capable of, to see your Genius.

If you are waiting for them to notice you…well if you are playing small, how can they? Find a way to let them know what you are up to.

If you think this is bragging, and you don’t want to “brag”, then re-think. Re-frame it as “sharing”. You’re already good at sharing right? Share what you are doing, what you are capable of, what you have achieved. HELP them to notice YOU.

Shining your light is not about being alone in the spotlight (although that’s okay too!). It’s about allowing your true self, your authentic self, your one wild and precious* self to shine. It’s about not dimming your own light.

Isn’t it time?

It is.

It’s time to stop under-earning. To start doing something that you CAN do right now.

What is one step you could take this week that would shine your light, just a little bit more?

Share your plans in the comments box below.

If you resonate with one or more of these signs of under-earning or struggle with negotiating for your worth, I’m offering one of my E.A.R.N. Your Worth™ Breakthrough Session right now, on a first come, first served basis. With Gender Pay Day approaching in April, I’d like to help some people who know they’re in this situation and are up for shining their light, asking for or negotiating their true worth.

If you want one of these sessions, shoot me an email and let me know what you’re struggling with. Tell me a little bit about your situation, why you should get one of these sessions and we’ll book it.

*Acknowledgement to the delightful Mary Oliver and her poem Summer: “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?”

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Five Truths about Women, Negotiation & Money

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No economic skill has as much riding on it as does negotiation

~Leigh Thompson, Northwester University

Women and Money

This is especially true for women – research shows that in simple negotiations – like a salary or a car negotiation – women do worse than men. Two things most women will negotiate several times in their lives!

The Hard Truth:

Negotiation is about an exchange of value, and historically women have not had their own economic value to exchange, with two exceptions (and oldest “professions”: Mom, and well, you know the other one).

Plus, the idea of “negotiation” turns many women off – the models for negotiating appear too masculine, or aggressive. Research supports this; re-frame “negotiation” into “opportunities for asking” and women fare better.

The Good Truth:

Negotiation is a learnable skill, both art and science. The same research showed that when women are empowered with the skills and knowledge, they can negotiate results as good as or better than men. Women tend to be inherently more adept at listening, empathizing with others; connecting and building relationships – all skills that are fundamental in negotiating effectively.

When women are empowered to see these “feminine” skills as valuable, they do better.

The Long Truth:

Negotiating is also a way of life; standing up for what is important to you (including your ability to help others).

Fundamentally negotiating is about asking for what you want, influencing others to cooperate with you, and as importantly, it’s about saying “no” to what you don’t want & negotiating something better.

Other Hard Truths:

The biggest challenge for women is negotiating for themselves – and surprisingly this includes high-level executive and professionals who negotiate for a living. Some barriers that cause this difference include messages about what a woman “should be” or can be; about money and who should make it, manage it and keep it. We have some work as a society to help change these expectations of both women and men.

Here’s the critical factor that bottom-lines Leigh Thompson’s quote from the introduction: women have a longer-term economic and financial life span than men. Not only is a woman expected to live longer, but 60 is now the new 40 and many women are bearing and raising children later in life. Tolerating gender pay inequity and getting paid less than you are worth is not a viable strategy.

The good news is that women everywhere are waking up. Women in the public eye, celebrities like Robin Wright are taking their pay equity issues public.

Organizations are losing talented women in their 30s when gender pay practices are revealed as less that equal.

More than ever, its time for a woman to ride her own white horse – take the reins and be a “Gallant Leader” in your own life!

Negotiate your best life; manage your own economic well-being. If you’ve ever been on a trail ride, you know the best thing about riding your own white horse is riding the trail with those you love!

If you’re looking to expand your negotiation skill set, mindset and action set, check out the upcoming Professional Negotiation and Influencing program in Vancouver June 16-17. Grab your copy of the complimentary Gallant Negotiator Blueprint.

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Firsts ARE Relevant

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When was a girl, I wanted to be the very FIRST female jockey. I was horse-mad. If you ever have been, you know what I am talking about. It consumed me. My imagination, my time and my reading list. Whenever I could, the horse-madness consumed my weekends at “the barn”. I ran the scholastic book club mail orders in my class; I would spend all of my allowance to max out the minimum order of five books if there weren’t enough orders, just to get the one I really wanted about a horse. I could rattle off every winner of the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes and the few Triple Crown winners.

Secretariat was my hero. Really. I don’t remember having human heroes (male or female) as a girl. I wanted to be in it. I wanted to fly with Secretariat, to be the lucky person who could fly that fast attached to his back like – well like a fly. His primary jockey, Ron Turcotte, was Canadian. I was Canadian too, and small enough, so I just KNEW. Knew with the unwavering clarity and belief that a child can have. Knew that I could do it. That WE could do it. The horse and I.

I think I was 7 or 8 when my “dream” of being the first female jockey was dashed. Diane Crump took the reins in her first professional race in 1969, then 1970 as first female jockey in the Kentucky Derby. (It would be another 23 years before a woman jockey won a Triple Crown race, when Julie Krone won the Belmont Stakes.

That was a barn-burner. Three short years later Bille Jean King famously challenged Bobby Riggs to a tennis match – and WON!!

Belief barriers were falling everywhere, just like when Roger Banister blasted through the barrier to the four-minute mile. No one thought it could be done, would ever be done. Or SHOULD be done, in many cases for women.

Turns out, it was just a thought. A thought in Roger Banisters case, that it was humanly, physically impossible. A thought in Billie Jean King’s case, that it was womanly, physically impossible. A thought, in Diane Crump’s case, that allowing a woman jockey would ruin the “sport of Kings”.

As a girl, somehow I just knew it WAS possible for a female jockey to make it in a sport dominated by men. Women are smaller right? Many race horse exercisers are women for that reason. Isn’t this the one sport where it made sense for women to compete against men?

There was something even then in my attraction to FIRSTs.

I used to think all this focus on FIRST when I was a girl was part of my inner competitiveness, a desire to push myself. What I see now, is that my excitement to want to be the first female jockey, then the first female race car driver – that was about my wanting to be all that I COULD be, and wanting to prove that I could, that a woman COULD do those things.

The notion of being First, was really about my needing to see someone in the saddle that looked like me. I wanted someone in the race that looked like I did in my imagination. It wasn’t fair that these jockeys and race car drivers didn’t look like anyone like me. A girl. How would it be possible for me to cure horses’ diseases (my bigger WHY in my grade eight science project examining the heartbeat of horses) if I didn’t see the world as possible for me?

When Diane Crump took the pole as the first female jockey, I turned my sights to another sport most similar in my mind – race car driving! That looked like fun! Remember, I was twelve. I didn’t have a drivers licence, or even a motorcycle, yet. Until a woman stepped into that pole position, I figured it could be me, or it had to be me. So someone else would know it was possible, damn it, to be what I wanted to be.

These FIRSTs, these women who did it First – they are critical to all of those girls and women who are hungry to be ALL that they can be. It’s not “irrelevant” to name and honour these FIRSTs.

And now we actually see women who could be on that famous U.S Army commercial (circa 1981): Be all that you can be…

Side note: I almost went to the RMC – Royal Military College, partly as a result of that commercial. I WANTED to be all that I could be! Plus, I might have thought I would please my father, who fought in WWII as part of the 1st Special Services Force. But I doubt it would have; he hardly ever talked about those years, he’d seen too much.

These FIRSTs are HEROES. To get to the starting pole, they must endure more than any other competitor, or leader. Diane Crump needed a police escort to push through the mayhem at her first professional race, past shouts of “Go back to the kitchen and cook dinner!”

As Michelle Payne, first female jockey winner of the 2015 Melbourne Cup said:

“I want to say to everyone else, ‘get stuffed’, because women can do anything and we can beat the world.”

Cue Beyonce.

#YouAreEmpowerment

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On Luck, Justice and Firsts. #YouAreEmpowering

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Sometimes amazing opportunities drop in your lap. You might even call it luck. And other times, amazing opportunities come your way because you’ve worked hard your whole life, powered by a vision and passion and sought out the best people to work with and the best environment to realize your vision and passion.

The first happened to me serendipitously this Saturday. I showed up at 10 am for the CoRe Writers’ Group at the UBC Alumni Centre, where we planned to find a quiet spot to write for two hours. Those plans were immediately jettisoned when we learned about a gathering upstairs, to hear the Minister of Justice and Attorney General of Canada, Jody Wilson-Raybould, share her plans and priorities with Allard Law.

What luck!

Indeed, what luck to hear her speak, openly, powerfully and inspiring. What luck to catch a brief moment of her time after her private reception with a group of students. What luck for her to step into Canada’s most important lawyer!

Scratch that last one. That one is not due to luck.

This is that “other time” when amazing opportunities come your way. The Honourable Minister of Justice and Attorney General Wilson-Raybould is where she is today due to her own hard work, and hard choices, seizing an opportunity to run when her vision and passion was tested (in a watershed conversation with Stephen Harper). And to the hard line of PM Trudeau that his cabinet would be the first gender-balanced cabinet in Canadian history.

Wilson-Raybould is in the land of Firsts.

First and foremost, she is a First Nations leader and formerly the British Columbia regional chief of the Assembly of First Nations (AFN). “Puglaas” is Wilson-Raybould’s We Wai Kai name, which means “woman born to noble people.” It is also her twitter handle.

She is THE First-ever indigenous Justice Minister and Attorney General of Canada. That means she is also THE First indigenous woman to hold the office of Canada’s top prosecutor.

She is one of only two indigenous cabinet members, another First for Canada. (Inuk MP Hunter Tootoo, a former speaker of Nunavut’s legislative assembly, is Minster of Fisheries and Oceans and the Canadian Coastguard.)

One of 15 women cabinet ministers, a First ever gender-balanced federal cabinet.

Member of the First group of cabinet ministers tasked with transparent accountability to Canadians.

As we celebrate International Women’s Day 2016, and the Pledge for Parity, it is so important to recognize those Firsts. The ones who make it possible for others. Who lift others as they climb. Who look different, so others see themselves represented, and still others experience the value in diversity.

Among the many things that make Jody Wilson-Rabould different from her predecessors is her message of reconciliation.

Reconciliation for indigenous peoples in Canada, the disproportionately high rates of incarceration for indigenous women (41% of female inmates) and men (25% of male inmates), as well as for the families of the murdered and missing First Nations women.

And reconciliation within the processes of the court system, especially the criminal justice system. Her message on Saturday at UBC was the strongest I’ve heard on the potential for a clear role for Restorative Justice.

Wilson-Raybould’s track record with consensus-building gives hope for her success here, as well as within parliament as a whole working toward consensus instead of pugnacious partisanship. And seeking consensus driven approaches with other federal cabinet ministers to find the “best” answer on issues such as assisted dying.

“We like to believe every voice counts; not just the voices of fear.”

Listening to Wilson-Raybould, I was overwhelmed with hope. Hope for reconciliation. Hope for civility. Hope for integrity.

I also felt proud. Proud to be a lawyer. Proud to witness what to me is the best in being a lawyer – shaping the way peoples are in community. With each other.

She’s definitely a First in my books.

This is my Canada on IWD2016. #YouAreEmpowering

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Contract Negotiation Basics for IT Consultants

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I was interviewed recently by Insureon for my contract negotiation tips for IT Consultants. I was impressed by the listening skills of my interviewer, Joshua Scott, as he captured my comments accurately. Here is the article posted on Insureon’s blog:

Client Contract Negotiation Basics for IT Consultants

Talking with people can be scary. Talking with business people over an important contract can be really scary. But you don’t have to be a cutthroat, high-powered, $1000-suit-wearing type to excel at the art of negotiation. In fact, the average IT consultant should be able to wheel and deal well enough to secure good contracts throughout their career.

Don’t know how?

Carrie Gallant (@GallantLeader), negotiation expert and president of The Gallant Leader and Gallant Solutions Inc., offers advice for how IT consultants can better negotiate a fair and beneficial contract with their clients. One benefit of getting better at negotiating? You’re less likely to need to make a claim on your IT consultant insurance.

When Negotiating IT Contracts, Clarity is Key

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3 Ways Your Mindset is Holding Your Success Hostage

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Guest Post by Melanie Benson Strick

Even though you are doing everything right – you have your plan, schedule your day with activities designed to move you closer to your goal, hire the best coach to motivate and inspire you – you just can’t seem to get into focused action.

A gremlin has been activated and is feeding your mind all kinds of crazy thoughts about your goal.

Maybe you recognize this gremlin’s message? It often sounds something like:

“This is going to be WAY too hard! Are you frickin crazy? You are already way too busy how can you possibly think about pursuing that goal!”

“There is no way this is going to work. Who am I to think that I could ever be that successful? That kind of money/success is for other people, not me!”

“I’d lose my friends/family/lover/self-respect if I made that kind of money. It’s not worth it.”

“What if it doesn’t work? What will people think? What if I lose everything I have now and I’m a complete failure?”

Ah the gremlin voice in our head has taken over and that goal has become enemy #1. Your go-getter (that part of you that really wants to achieve your goal) isn’t willing to give up that easily though and goes to war with your gremlin. The go-getter can see all the cool stuff that will happen when you achieve the goal. “We’ll have more money to enjoy life and expand our impact!” “Won’t it be nice when we have more credibility in the marketplace?” Because these two parts of you are at war you feel stuck. You are officially in a holding pattern and it feels miserable.

Here’s what’s going on at a deeper level. Either you:

1) Have a limiting belief about what’s possible for yourself, or
2) Are avoiding a fear of “what might happen”, or
3) There are two desires that seem to be in conflict with each other.

Amazingly, that gremlin gets activated every time you try to move forward until you learn how to make peace between these two parts of your mind.

Depending on which one of these three issues is the culprit, you’d use a different techniques to eradicate the war inside. Most people have heard a lot of about dealing with fears and limiting but most people don’t know much about conflicting desires.

If the pursuit of one goal feels in conflict with another desire, need or goal, we have to find the win-win where both can be achieved peacefully.

You have to train your mind to seek out the bigger opportunity where BOTH desires can be met. Our fears and limitations tend to guide our thoughts towards a safe place where one of the desires (usually the one that feels safer) is met.

Think: Is there an outcome where I can have both desires met?

When you find that picture in your mind, you’ll uncover a level of motivation where you feel and become unstoppable!

About the Author: Melanie Benson Strick, America’s Leading Small Business Optimizer, guides thought leaders and creative entrepreneurs to achieve optimum success by eliminating unconscious barriers.

Grab a free copy of Melanie’s money mindset book, Rewired for Wealth, today at bitly.com/R4Wealth.

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The Legend of The Tall Poppy

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Have you heard about The Tall Poppy?

She grew from a small poppy, just like all the other poppies in the field. Just like them, she was colourful, graceful, delicate even – yet strong as she gently bent with the breeze. As she grew tall, she kept reaching up to the brilliant sun. Even on cloudy days, she kept reaching up. She knew she was meant to be tall, to reach higher.

Soon she found herself growing a little bit taller than the other poppies. She didn’t mind, she was only reaching for the sun, after all. The sun that shined on her brilliant colours, basked her in its warmth and radiated her joy in Being a Poppy.

After a time The Tall Poppy stood out.

The other poppies were similar in height, small compared to The Tall Poppy. They noticed how much taller she was, and saw her as different. Who did she think she was? Didn’t she know about the mean birds? Didn’t she know they would swoop down and cut her head off?

And so they told her. Don’t get too big for your britches!! She thought: What the heck are “britches“?

After another time, The Tall Poppy saw what happened to the other Tall Poppy – way out there in the next field, tormented by mean birds – and began to duck her pretty head, to shrink her size as much as she could. If I don’t stand out so much, maybe I’ll be safe!

Still she stood out from the other poppies, who worried The Tall Poppy would attract the attention of the mean birds to their field and attack them. And so they began to shy away from her, create distance.

The Tall Poppy began to feel isolated, alone.

The more the others leaned away from The Tall Poppy, the more she stood out – vulnerable to the ravages of the wind, the rain and the mean birds.

She didn’t want to be a Fall Poppy™ – you know, the one that takes the fatal hit? While others tsk, see that’s what happens when you get too big for your britches.

She tried to shrink even more, to hide her brilliant colours, to retreat from her beloved Sun. In fact, the more she tried to shrink herself, the more she forgot about the Sun, about how it gave her joy and illuminated her brilliance.

*Now lest you think this is a tragic tale – wait for it – the Turning Point is coming! And just like every Legend, the bounds of credulity will be stretched a teeny bit…*

Then one day, (*classic turning point* 😉 ) The Tall Poppy thought to herself: I just want to be ME! This isn’t who I am, who I am meant to be. I’m just Tall. That’s all.

And so, she began to reach back up into her full tall poppy-ness, to let her brilliant colours shine out and to bask in the joy of her beloved Sun again. Oh I have missed this! I never want to shrink away from my own glory again!

As The Tall Poppy revealed herself again, she found she grew even taller, even more brilliant, even more glorious!

But – still she was alone. The other poppies didn’t know what to make of her, what to think of her or say about her. Some were unkind. Perhaps they wished they could be as brave? Perhaps shine their own colours a wee bit more, as they reached for the Sun in their own way, in their own time?

Her sadness at being alone – toughing it out when the winds blew, dodging the mean birds when they flew – dimmed her light from time to time.

Then one day, (*classic turning point #2* :)) The Tall Poppy looked across at the other fields, noticing the other Tall Poppies standing alone in their fields. Each was surviving out there, alone.

She caught the eye of one of the Tall Poppies, who inclined her petals in acknowledgement – Yes, we do rather stand out, don’t we? (*I did tell you the bounds of credulity would be stretched a teeny bit…right?* 😉 )

Shall we stand out together? Shall we tell each other stories about how wonderful it is to reach for the Sun?

As The Tall Poppies found strength and solace in each other, knowing there where other tall poppies out in the other fields, they began to notice something they hadn’t expected. Some of the other poppies around them were standing taller, unfurling more, shining more of their brilliance up toward the Sun! They had been tall poppies too, pretending to be shrinking violets. Even the small poppies began to shine their own colours a bit brighter too.

The Tall Poppy began to notice something else too. The more tall poppies she hung out with, whether in their own field or across at other fields, the more The Tall Poppy thrived.

Think about it.

The End.

*If you liked this story, and would like to hear more about The Tall Poppy, and especially if you’re a Tall Poppy who wants to thrive with other Tall Poppies, sign up for early-bird notification of The Tall Poppy Revolution™!

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Take a Holiday From Your Inner Critic

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Delighted to share this Guest Post from my friend and colleague, Tana Heminsley, over at Authentic Leadership Global.

This Holiday season, we invite you to step back from the sometimes frenetic pace of the visiting, the baking, the cooking, the shopping, and invite a little more ease and compassion into your space, into your inner world, into your relationship – with YourSELF.

One of the most insidious aspects of personality or ego that I’ve come across in my career as a coach, is the critical inner voice that hides deep within each of us. As distinct from our intuition, which is helpful in it’s guidance in our lives, Sarita Chawla, in this video shares how the inner critic can misguide us by keeping us small or holding us back.

It’s the inner voice that goes beyond constructive to be cruel and mean. It says “You’re not good enough”, “That was stupid”, “No one will like you” or “Work harder – you’re lazy”.

I think about the effects it’s having – on individuals, their families, their teams and organizations. And I imagine the possibility of a world where the mind naturally is kind in its orientation, rather than being naturally negatively oriented, as the author of Buddha’s Brain, Rick Hansen Ph.D., reminds us.

The inner critic, or the superego as described by A.H. Almaas in the workbook called “Working on the SuperEgo”, is a psychological construct – merely a thought.

It develops in our mind when we, as children, get a reaction where we feel shut down or shamed. It’s too painful for us to experience this reaction coming from others who love us, so we create a critical voice internally, “doing it” to ourselves first, which is less painful.

The Inner Critic feeds the individual and collective painbody and thus perpetuates negative energy in the world. Eckhart Tolle talks about the unresolved, unhealed energy as the pain body in his blogpost in the Huffington Post (Eckhart Tolle, “Living in Presence with your emotional painbody”, Huffington Post, 10/6/2010.)

“There is such a thing as old emotional pain living inside you. It is an accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy form of emotional pain. It comes together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a “painbody,” an energy entity consisting of old emotion.”

What can you do about it? How can you take a holiday from your Inner Critic?

It’s totally possible and worth the investment of your time.

I’ve been aware of and actively engaging with my Inner Critic for the past 10 years and here are a few things I’ve found that help:

Cultivate resiliency – it will help to keep your inner critic at bay. On the days I have had a good sleep, eaten the right foods to build my energy rather than drain it, done a short meditation practice to quiet my mind, I notice I have much more perspective and can notice and more easily let go of the critical voice.
Stop the cycle – as quickly as you become aware of the messages when they arise, become aware of what it’s saying, how it feels, and then see it for what it is. It’s just a thought – one you can choose in the moment to let go of.
Self-manage to choose a different thought – Byron Katie’s groundbreaking work on the inner critic, focuses on reframing in the moment using 4 simple questions:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know it’s true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
Find your own way to take a holiday from your inner critic – for some, it’s helpful to be compassionate with the voice, once they become aware of where it came from (well-meaning parents, teachers or others who influenced us). For others they need to scream at it inside their mind (and sometimes out loud if they are in a place where they can yell), for others it’s about laughing at it as they realize how it no longer fits with their quest to be their authentic or best self.
Imagine what your life would be like without it – reflect on how much energy you spend on managing your inner critic currently. How different would your life be if you spent just 10% less time on it. What would you do (or not do) with that unleashed energy and time?
Practice daily – talk to yourself like you talk to your best friend. It says it all. Be kinder to you and you’ll be kinder to others.

Imagine a world where we all let go of our inner critics more of the time – that’s the world I’m striving for.

Tana Heminsley

Tana is an executive and entrepreneur with a passion for building businesses and developing leaders. As the founder of Authentic Leadership Global, Inc. she supports authenticity and emotional intelligence as business differentiators for 21st century leaders. Tana is also the author of the recently published book “Awaken your Authentic Leadership – Lead with Inner Clarity and Purpose“

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Happy Commitment Month!

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Three Tips to make October “Commitment Month”

I had an epiphany recently as three thoughts about commitment collided in my brain:

It’s the beginning of the fourth quarter, Q4. The last run-up before the new year, the final stretch towards achieving any annual goal you might have set for yourself or your business waaaaay back in January.
I am an Enneagram 7. The “Optimist”. I’ve known this for a while, and have worked to “overcome” the limitations of my “seven-ness”. I recently awakened to the pathway of “commitment” as key to the 7’s journey to wholeness and TRUE freedom, which is what a 7 really wants (thanks to Ben Saltzman’s hilarious video on the 9 Enneagram types, and his own story of the joy and pain of being a 7 himself).
It is one year since I made two very important and life-changing commitments. It is time to re-commit to both of these life-long commitments. In October 2013, I committed to my health and fitness – and to “finally” losing the extra weight, for good. Which I did. Later that month, after 10 years together, my life partner Dave and I committed to getting married (something I never thought I would do). Which we did.

The epiphany:

My eyes flew open as I awoke to this thought: I already know how to “do” commitment. How I successfully lost those 20 or so pounds in a short period, and keep them off while building strength and fitness proved it to me.

I realized at that moment that I had inadvertently created a perfect three-part commitment structure that worked for me – even as a 7 who resists structure – and one that I can immediately start using in my business, starting with Q4.

This three-part commitment structure begins with a declaration.

1. The Declaration: Making the Commitment.

You see, when I committed to my health & fitness last October, it really began with a declaration. A spontaneous declaration to my mastermind sisters that erupted out of deep dissatisfaction with where I was physically (and because I had “nothing else” ready to discuss when my turn came around).

My declaration was this: “I’ve had it. I never want to be here again.”

I had been in the best shape of my life in my early 40s, at my ideal weight. Then I broke my foot. I slacked off and over the next 5 years slowly put on 20 pounds (or more, who knows? I stopped weighing myself 😐 ).

I did NOT want to enter my 50s in that place.

Wooaaah.

That felt huge – hugely important. I could really feel that I took a major stand that day. I actually was standing when I said it, as I tend to do when I’m speaking on the phone in my office. That declaration was rooted in my body.

I had also tapped into my Big Why. Why this commitment was – and is – important to me. (see Simon Sinek’s Ted talk)

Lesson #1: Declare your commitment powerfully! Plant your stake in the ground. Take a power pose and state your commitment out loud!

2. Support Structures: Keeping the Commitment

Here’s where it got spooky. The very next day (I am not kidding), a book I’d requested months before, arrived for me at my local library: The Fast Metabolism Diet by Haylie Pomroy.

Yeah, it was TIME. And the timing couldn’t have been better for that book to arrive. Because it gave me structure – a system. And the best kind of structure & system for me, as a 7 (who notoriously resist structure as “too confining”, “too limiting”).

• Time-limited: the FMD is a 28-day program is based on a 2-2-3 four-week structure. Two days high carb, moderate protein, no fat; two days high protein, moderate carb, no fat; three days moderate everything (hello weekend!).
• Proven: Pomroy’s science background appealed to my values for education, rigour and proven results with clients. The FMD really delivered. It worked for me!
• Tracking: The FMD and its results really kicked in for me when I discovered The FMD App. The FMD App gave me the daily structure – like a food journal only better, it reminded me what was on the agenda for each day and what foods to choose from. The App made it easy to track my daily food and water intake, as well as exercise, and my overall progress towards my goal.
• Community: Having a community of support and/or an accountability partner is a HUGE part of keeping a commitment. I made good use of the FMD online community forum, where members share their adaptations of recipes for specific needs (e.g. gluten-free, vegan/vegetarian, etc.).
• Challenging: The FMD worked for me because it challenged me too (and most 7s will love a good challenge!).

Let me be clear: the FMD is no fly-by-night “eat as much bacon as you like” program, or eat only pineapple on Thursdays. It is a ton of work. A lot of advance preparation (or you’ll find yourself feeling kinda snarky with hunger, without the right things ready on the right day, and want to devour everything in sight). The FMD is no easy fix program – but a conscious investment of energy, focus, intention and time. It’s not for everyone.

Lesson #2:: Keeping Commitments Needs Structural Supports.
What resources do you need to support your commitment? Support your capacity to meet that commitment?
Oh my, yes. We need that support!

3. Re-Committing, Over and Over: Sustaining the Commitment

Naturally, I couldn’t rest on my laurels after completing the FMD and achieving my weight-loss goal, or any day after that. Sustaining my results required ongoing attention. Tapping back into my declaration, my Big Why, keeping track of where I am today – and every day. Not obsessively mind you. Just noticing and being aware of where I might slip into old patterns – thoughts, beliefs, actions – that don’t support my commitment. And returning to those that do.

Those same structures, systems, and support that helped me get where I wanted to be over those 28 days continue to help me to re-commit, as do a few new ones.

The FMD App helped me re-commit to my goal and progress every single day while I was on the 28-day program – even several times a day as I reviewed it for meal preparation, and completed my meal entries.

Now, the entire program plus the Fast Metabolism Diet App keep me on track whenever I need to return to its principles – hello holiday indulgences! If you just celebrated Thanksgiving with family and friends, and the abundance of turkey, pie and other delectables, wine…well, you know what I’m talking about!

Coming back to my commitment, over and over again, and to the system and supports that I have in place, helps me get back on track when I need some help to reinforce all those good patterns – thoughts, beliefs, actions – that support my commitment.

Which is why I am here, one year later – re-committing to my Declaration and my Big Why. Even adjusting it to reflect what matters more to me now: that I am building strength to last for a lifetime of fun, physical activity that fits my overall LifeStyle Vision. (More on this and other “towards”planning and goals in later posts.)

Lesson #3: Commitment needs reinforcement. Tending. Nurturing. Even poking and prodding: Are you still committed to this? Is this still what you want? Is it still aligned with your values? Your Big Why? Your purpose? What has changed?

The Results?

See for yourself.

Your challenge:

Where can you implement this in your life? In your business?
What is one thing you can commit to, for just 28 days, that will shift your thoughts, your beliefs, or your actions?
What is your declaration? Your Big Why?
Notice what resources show up to support you when you make a powerful declaration.

Post your commitment below – let us bear witness to your declaration!

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Would I Lie to You?

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Would I Lie to You?**

Are You Being Lied to in Your Negotiations?

The latest shocking news for women in negotiation is making the rounds lately, in Huffington Post, Daily Mail, Business Week and even Shape Magazine: UC Berkley professor Laura Kray’s latest research results show that women are lied to in negotiation more often than men.

Kray and her team worked outward from first establishing that a cultural stereotype that women are more easily misled puts them at greater risk for being deceived by misleading information or flat-out lies during negotiations.

The newsmakers glommed onto the big shocker:

WOMEN are equally likely as men to lie to another woman in negotiation

Yes. Women are just as susceptible as men are to perceiving other women as easy to mislead or lacking in competence. Sigh. Cultural stereotypes do indeed persist. Since the opposing stereotype about men persists (as already competent, not easily misled), Kray’s research also showed that both men and women are more likely to help the guy out by letting him in on a secret.

Really?

Frankly I’m not sure if I am more shocked by the results, or that this is actually news to anyone. I think women have known this intuitively all along — and it is one among many reasons why many women don’t like or are afraid to negotiate. We don’t like or want to be taken advantage of. We don’t like it when our trust is violated.

Aside from the stereotype perceptions, there’s an obvious elephant in the room – that ANY negotiator who perceives the other person as easily misled will succumb to that temptation and lie, mislead or deceive to gain a better outcome. The ethics of lying in negotiation is a much bigger topic, debated and written about elsewhere (and a future topic for this blog).

Here’s the big risk for those who do lie: the long-term costs. We will never forget. We might never forgive. We may never trust you again. And we just might tell two friends.

“Watch me walking, walking out the door.”**

Marketers have really gotten this about women in the last decade. It’s time for negotiators to get it too. Lies, deceptions and misleading claims have long-term consequences (and are sometimes illegal)– especially in business.

Until that happens – until the lies stop being the easy way to short-term victory and rewards — what can you do? What can you do to protect yourself in your negotiations? How can you TRUST anyone?

The good news is there is a lot you CAN do.

1. Test Now, Trust Later.

“Now would I say something that wasn’t true?”**

Trust is a tricky thing. You want to be able to trust others – to trust that what they say to you is true, that they will do what they say they will do. And there’s the rub – what you really want is what trust represents: predictability, reliability, a sure thing. You want to know it is REAL. Not a chimera or a desert mirage taunting you with promises to slake your thirst.

Trust yourself first – trust that niggling feeling that nags at you (aka your intuition). Don’t give in to self-doubt.

Test out what they are telling you, so you can trust them. Ask for proof, or verification of some kind. Clarify what you’ve heard them say and ask for confirmation that you got it.

Link to a third point for reference. Like the third leg on a 3-legged stool, the third point provides strength enough to stand on. A third point could be an outside standard or even a third party. “Let’s find out what Jamie thinks about this.”

What if they challenge you with “Don’t you trust me?” Try the power of “Yes, And”:

“I DO want to trust you, AND I want to understand you better. Help me understand how you …(e.g. arrived at that amount)”

2. Do Your Homework, First.

Groan.

I heard that! And I’ll tell you a Secret: Forget diamonds, Homework is a Girl’s Best Friend.

You know it works: before every test in school, you did your homework. Right? You will be better able to test out a potential lie if you have prepared for your negotiation – or at minimum have prepared and practiced some stand-by phrases that you can use in any situation.

Get the facts, and find out what the general standards are. Most common example is a job or salary negotiation. Research broadly and narrowly — what are the standards in the industry? Find out what you can about the other party’s standards (as well as their closest competitor) – and remember to look at standards as they apply to both men AND women.

Develop your OWN standards: what are you willing to accept? Not accept? What is your Plan B? You do have one, right?

Doing your homework builds Trust and Confidence – in YOU! Trusting someone else is so much easier when you trust yourself, and trust your data, your facts, your value. When you feel like you won’t get pushed around or off your path. When you feel like you can stand your ground.

3. Test Again.

“Tell you straight, no intervention. To your face, no deception.”**

Every good researcher, including Laura Kray, tests and re-tests, before releasing their research results. So should you. Test, verify and confirm one last time before and after the final handshake. Try this:

“Let me confirm my understanding. You said….THIS…You will…THAT…I will…THAT. Is that your understanding too?”

This gives both of you an opportunity to clarify and correct any misunderstandings, before finalizing the agreement. Afterwards, the final test is to put it in writing. See my previous post for how to make this part simple, fast and easy.

The Bottom Line:

I found this quote to be the most telling of all. In quoting this reformed salesman from 1985 at the outset of the published paper, Kray and her team reveal the best defence to gendered mis-perceptions of women’s gullibility and (lack of) competence:

“… Salesmen … categorize people into ‘typical’ buyer categories. During my time as a salesman I termed the most common of these the ‘typically uninformed buyer’…. [In addition to their lack of information, these] buyers tended to display other common weaknesses. As a rule they were indecisive, wary, impulsive and, as a result, were easily misled. Now take a guess as to which gender of the species placed at the top of this ‘typically easy to mislead’ category? You guessed it—women.” (Parrish, 1985, p. 3, as quoted by Ayres & Siegelman, 1995)

Emphasis mine.

The bottom line for women?

Your best defence = PREPARATION. Get informed, do your homework, research, practice articulating it out loud. Believe in what you know. Trust yourself.

As Annie Lennox says:

“Believe me, I’ll make it make it!”**

**Would I Lie to You? Lyrics by Annie Lennox & Dave Stewart – Don’t mess with Annie!

WANT TO REPRINT THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE, BLOG OR WEBSITE?

You may, as long as it remains 100% intact and you include this complete blurb with it:

Carrie Gallant, JD is a ground-breaking thought leader who lights the way for conscious business women to stand up, stand out and stand firm.

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What Stops You From “Going For It”?

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~ Nora Roberts

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about when women don’t “go for it”, when we let our ambitious dreams and goals slide. When we keep our personal power on a leash.

Maybe we’re taking care of others’ feelings (so we don’t “outshine” them).

Maybe we’re afraid of how far our light could truly shine because of the responsibility it might bring, and we don’t know (yet) quite how we will deal with it.

Or maybe it’s because going for it would mean we no longer fit the mold of what a “good girl” would do (or a good wife/girlfriend/partner, good mother, best friend…you get the picture).

Oh yeah…this one is up for me. Big time.

And I wonder if it is for you too?

Are there places where you don’t go for it?

Where you stop yourself from really letting your brilliance, your fully expressed self, or your very own luminous light really shine?

Maybe you’ve done this in the past. Maybe you’ve stopped dreaming (cuz it hurts too much).

Or maybe you’ve found your way through and have become unstoppable!

I would love to know, either way. I would love to know what stops you, or has stopped you in the past. When you don’t go for it.

Will you help me find out why we don’t go for it? Why we give away our power?

By filling out this quick survey, you will help identify where and why many women give away their power, stop shining the full wattage of their brilliance and don’t go for it.

Click below to share your thoughts:

What's Stopping You?

Here’s the thing: I want to help you shine your light. It’s my mission to help women access a bigger piece of the pie, shine their brilliance on the world’s problems and go for what they really want.

I promise you this: I will share the results of my survey with you, plus tips for how to bring your personal power up and let your light shine!

I can’t wait to hear your stories, and share those results with you!

PS. Here’s the Quick Survey link again: What's Stopping You?

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What Do You Really Want?

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Originally published November 2008; edited 2014

Negotiation Tip: Clarify What You Really Want

I love speaking about negotiation with groups, and groups of women especially. Women want to know what they don’t know. And they want to share their experiences, and yes to share a good laugh!

There is always a story about a courageous act that succeeded brilliantly, and another about the perils of playing it safe, playing it “small” as Marianne Williamson cautions against.

Your Language Influences You

Recently I was speaking to a group of women in the construction industry about negotiation. Our choice of language and its role in our communications and negotiations became a touchstone. As the 40 or so members did their go-round of introductions, a tradition is to also answer a question posed by the guest speaker.

My question for them was “What do I really want?“, the key question that begins your negotiation preparation.

I was fascinated to notice that of the 40 members, only about ten percent used the words “what I really want is…” The remaining ninety percent said instead “what I would really like is…”

In addition, the types of things that followed seemed to vary depending on which phrase was used. “What I would really like” tended to precede broader, less tangible and more elusive objectives, things that were more likely to be outside the direct scope of the woman’s sphere of control or influence. More hopeful, even tentative objectives. The women who said “what I really want is…” were more specific, deliberate and concrete. Like, “more time off to spend with my kids”; “a day at the spa”; or even “great sex!”

We had a good laugh about how we unconsciously use language patterns we’ve grown accustomed to, and even what we believe is “appropriate”, especially as women. Some felt saying “I want” was too bold, too risky, too unexpected.

Does this matter? I think it does.

The Impact of Clarity is Exponential

One of the ways you can become more effective in your negotiations, and more influential in your communications and dealings with others, is by being really clear. Really clear on what you want.

The impact of clarity is exponential. The clearer you are about what you want, the clearer you can be in asking for what you want, in planning how you are going to ask for it, and in how you negotiate — and how it will affect the other person involved.

As the women at my seminar articulated, stating ‘what I would really like’ rang as a wish for the future, rather than as a statement of desire for the present, as it does with “what I really want”. “I would like” is a conditional statement; it implies that some other condition is required, or needs to happen. There is a sense of a lingering “if”, or “one day…”. As in, “what I would really like is X, if Y happens“. For example, “I would really like to vacation in Italy for a month…if I could afford it (or: if my boss would give me the time off).”

See how it puts your desire out there? Outside of you, perhaps dependent on something else happening – or someone else’s actions? This can be great for kick-starting your imagination, dreaming broadly. But when it comes to steering your life, and day-to-day progress, “what I really want…” is much more empowering.

“I want” simply is. The want exists in the present, irrespective of whether, and how, your want is fulfilled. And perhaps that is what makes it so hard to articulate, especially for women, who learn to value connection with others, put others’ needs first and minimize their own wants and achievements. You may even feel it is inappropriate to articulate something as bold as “I want”!

Before you even choose which phrase to use, articulating what you want presumes that you know what you want. And so we are back to clarity. This can take some work, especially if it is a new skill.

There are a lot of tools available to help gain clarity in knowing what you want, and defining your outcome goal {Check out my Tips for Getting Clear!}. It’s hard to be satisfied with any outcomes, if you’re not clear what you wanted in the first place! Sometimes, it is as simple as beginning with identifying what you don’t want, which then acts as a foil to reveal what it is that you do want instead.

Clarity is empowering, especially when it is coupled with clear knowing of what we don’t want. It is much easier to walk away from a bad deal, when we can see it clearly. This creates confidence that you can hold your own.

Even if all you do, if your first simple step is this, you will revolutionize your mindset and your results: Ask yourself first.

What do I really WANT?

Then BE bold, take the risk, be unexpected – go ahead and say it:

“What I really want is…”

Remember…

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Is Your Circle of Influence Lifting You Up, or Wearing You Down?

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If Jim Rohn is right, that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, then this Circle of 5 is your core Circle of Influence, by default or design.

These five people most likely influence your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours – and ultimately your success, professionally, financially, personally.

Big Question: Are you okay with that?

Is your Circle of 5 by default or design?

Do they lift you up, where you can soar in all your magnificence?

Do they celebrate your successes and encourage you, stand by you, as you reach your dreams and goals?

Then: YAHOO!!! Go celebrate with them!

Or do they bring you down? Do they gossip or speak negatively about others?

Does being around them keep you playing small, where you don’t threaten them? Keep you “safe” by discouraging your taking any risks or new challenges?

Or perhaps “they” aren’t doing anything but being themselves, yet YOU play smaller, dim your light, stifle your magnificence because YOU don’t want to risk them being uncomfortable?

Here’s the thing.

If you want to “change the world”, create a positive impact, make a difference, your influence and impact will be richer, stronger and more empowered if you are being influenced by supporters, rather than diminishers.

Even a “Tall Poppy” thrives when it’s surrounded by other tall poppies.

Leonie Dawson’s recent post Are Your Friends Setting You Up to Shine or Stumble? is poignant in her relating of her own journey as a creative business owner, mom of two young girls, making it up as she goes along and the challenges growing her business through multiple six figures. She had to make some hard choices to let go in order to grow – both personally and professionally, as she continues to influence other creative entrepreneurs to build successful business, so they can also serve and influence others.

Good leaders know the best way for them to succeed is to hire people who are smarter at what they do. As Leonie says:

“If you don’t know people who are smarter, more successful, happier, creating bigger things or thinking bigger than you… you are in the wrong room.”

Take an inventory of your Circle of 5 – if you want to elevate its membership, consider who you want to spend more time with. Join a Mastermind group to expand your business or professional goals.

Who do you want in YOUR Success Circle?

A number of years ago, when I first awakened to this process, I looked at my circle of influence – and I wasn’t completely happy. There was Negative Nelly, who seemed to only see the world through “poor me” glasses, that no matter how I tried to “help her” change, was not in a place yet to change those glasses to at least half-full of possibilities (yes, I am mixing metaphors – and trust you get the picture :)), instead of all doom and gloom.

So, I bumped a couple of people from my Circle of Influence list – by distancing myself from their influence, or reducing the amount of time spent with them as well as the weight I placed on their words and opinions.

Deciding to spend less time with some people or investing less weight in their views and opinions opens up the door to choice – to purposefully invite into your world those who inspire you, motivate you, who genuinely want you to succeed, to thrive and be fulfilled, even happy.

Over the years, I have added a few more people whose influence I believed would have a positive impact on me and my life (and they have!). Now I use my Circle of 5 list as a guide for how I allocate my time, especially when things get busy.

In this way, the person I am really influencing most is ME!

Get What You Want

Go ahead. Reach for more!

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Rich Thinking: Money, Work and Self-Worth

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Originally published March 12, 2012

Money, Work and Self-Worth

The title of the Careers column in this Saturday’s Globe and Mail Careers caught my eye over brunch: “Money, work and the value of self-worth: If you want financial independence, and recognition for your talents, keep talking about compensation“.

The author, Leah Eichler, acknowledged that, like many women, the topic of compensation makes her uncomfortable, especially when it relates to work she loves.

Eichler’s primary recommendation – one I fully endorse – is that we women need to talk about money, and often, so we do not dismiss its importance. Dismissing the importance of money – even, and perhaps most especially when it comes to work we love, or work that is important to our community – leads to so many other issues and difficulties in a woman’s life, than just her financial independence.

And ultimately they are related too; the core paradigm in the Money Breakthrough Method® is this: “How you do money, is how you do everything”.

Here are 3 Tips:

1. Be Willing to Talk About Money

When you aren’t willing to discuss money – either in a conversation with your spouse, or a negotiation for salary or your fees – you are signaling a whole lot of information. To others, for sure. And more importantly, to yourself. How you feel and think about yourself can be greatly impacted by the weight of the things that you avoid, or tolerate in your life. Your self-worth is worth, well, a lot.

“It never feels good to be underpaid – we know in our hearts this isn’t fair.” Barbara Stewart notes this in her 2011 global research study of 50 women called Rich Thinking: A Global study – A Guide to Building Financial Confidence in Girls and Women.

We know there are a lot of reasons for the continued gender pay gap in the workplace, and here in Canada we have experienced over 20 years of pay equity laws in most provinces (my current home province of British Columbia being a glaring exception) designed to remedy a good portion of that gap. I know these impacted and changed the financial situation of a lot of women and their families – I witnessed it first hand during my ten years as a mediator and chief legal counsel with the Ontario Pay Equity Commission.

And yet, I’ve come to understand how deep the gap goes and that real change must happen in women’s inner lives, as much as outer change in society at large. How you value yourself, and the work you do – even when it’s work you love – impacts how you stand up for your worth, and how you ask others to recognize it too. And talking about money in that regard is one important way you can stand up for your worth.

2. Aim For 1% Increase

No – I don’t mean aim for a 1% increase in your negotiations. (I know you can do better!)

Apply the 1% Increase Rule here: aim for 1% more courage, tenacity and perseverance with each opportunity to have a conversation about money. Sooner than you think, you will realise you have mastered your discomfort, fear and avoidance of money conversations. Hey, the compound effect works here too.

I believe having money conversations is so important, I included an entire module in the Clear Your Money Clutter program that is devoted to how to have a difficult conversation around money.

3. Value What You Do, and More Money Will Follow

It’s a very old paradigm that suggested that we shouldn’t get paid a lot for doing what we love; it simply doesn’t fit with our modern western society – where women are increasingly the main breadwinner in their families and two income couples are the norm.

The opposite notion can be equally misleading – that of “Do what you love, and the money will follow”. Do what you love, by all means. And value what you do. Your self-worth will thank you.

Discover how what you do is valuable to others. And find out how that value translates into a monetary value.

And then talk about it.

Learn how to ask for more, how to negotiate, how to charge what you are worth. You know in your heart it will feel good.

So please. Talk about money. Don’t be shy.

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You Get to Decide!

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Just Make a Decision!

If you’ve heard me speak about the Art of Negotiation for Women, you may have heard me say that negotiation is a series of decisions. Deciding what you want. Deciding what you’re willing to ask for, what you’re not willing to accept.

The same is true for your business.

Your business is a series of decisions. Deciding what outcome you want to create, who you want to serve and work with, how much money you want to create, how much you will invest to create your desired outcome, and so on. The same can be said for your career. The exact same questions apply to a career – try them out!

Isn’t that empowering? You get to decide.

I do find that empowering. But it wasn’t always this way. And maybe you can relate. Many women are paralyzed by decisions. They want to get it “perfect” or “right” the first time. Terrified of making a mistake or the “wrong” decision, they don’t make one at all! Sound familiar? Do you dither endlessly and get stuck in indecision?

Or maybe you’re a lot like me; I suffer from FOMO. The Fear Of Missing Out! My personality type (e.g. under MBTI® and the Enneagram) loves lots of variety & spontaneity, and hates missing out on anything.

The upside can be joyful, boundless enthusiasm, creativity and entrepreneurial spirit.

The downside can be countless distractions by “bright shiny objects” or endless investment in numerous programs and trainings so you don’t “miss out” on the latest and greatest.

Here’s the thing.

Moving forward in life, in your business or career, means you need to decide. You need to make a series of decisions to get where you want to go. To take a step in that direction, you need to decide and take action.

How many decisions led up to Neil Armstrong taking the first step on the moon? The biggest decision was JFK’s 1961 announcement to Congress the US would send a man safely to the moon by the end of the decade. Remember the date of Armstrong’s historic step? July 20, 1969. Barely six months before the end of that decade, and almost six years after JFK’s death.

That sure was a powerful decision! It acted as a catalyst, pulling forward millions of people to support that decision and make countless other decisions – big and small – that set in motion thousands of actions, long after JFK himself graduated from this earth.

Indecision Costs.

Incomplete decisions are clutter – they clutter your mental space, and keep your energy stuck. When you hold indecision, it’s like you’re holding onto that last box of unpacked stuff after you moved three years ago post-divorce (KM knows what I’m talkin’ about here!). It sucks your energy.

Plus, waiting costs you. Waiting to make a decision costs you in many ways. The time you lose is irreplaceable. Time is actually more precious than money – time is non-renewable!

Make that decision, and watch your energy soar, feel your shoulders relax downwards.

And if you’re still on the fence, invoke Louis Hay’s wonderful advice:

Just make a decision. If it doesn’t work, make another decision!

So, what are you waiting for?

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Are You Afraid to Negotiate?

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Are You Afraid to Negotiate?

I hate negotiating, especially for myself

Negotiation is manipulation

I get so anxious when I negotiate

I’m afraid I’m going to be taken advantage of

I’m no good at negotiating

I have to negotiate for my job, but I don’t like it

I’m always worried about what I’ve missed and what the other side will think

These are all statements I have heard over the years from my female clients, students, and participants in my workshops.

Surveys of professional women point to similar expressions of a fear or dislike of negotiation. Fear of negotiation is usually based on several limiting beliefs, including the way many women tend to perceive the word “negotiation”. Recent research shows that even the word “negotiation” evokes a negative reaction in many women.

Women See It Differently

Although there are certainly some men who don’t like to negotiate, far more men than women are excited by negotiation, enjoy it and look forward to it. Men are more likely to see negotiation as a game, one they can win or lose. Many men are excited by the prospect of winning such a game, and although some might fear the prospect of losing, many men see there is something to be achieved and skills to master.

Women are far more likely to see negotiation as a relationship, one that can be developed, fixed, damaged or broken. I witnessed this contrast in stark reality every year in the negotiation course I taught to law students, as the gender mix of students was 50-50. Male students were more likely to align with a competitive or adversarial view of negotiation; female students with a collaborative or relational view.

The Result:

Women often don’t see opportunities to negotiate, or an opportunity to shape or influence a favourable result. In their book, Everyday Negotiation, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams state that as women,

We let opportunities to negotiate slip by us unclaimed or unnoticed. Cramped by circumstance, with no magic up our sleeve, we don’t consider negotiation a possibility. We just make do and move on, not realizing that we might have bargained. Often, from lack of training or experience, we fail to recognize that we are in the midst of a negotiation until it is too late to change the outcome.

Here’s the Truth:

Negotiation is a learned skill – and many women simply have not been taught or learned how to negotiate effectively.

Fear of negotiation is limiting, especially when it leads to a built in resistance to change, or creates blinders to seeing opportunities.

Learning more about negotiation and practicing new skills can create discomfort, unless you are persistent and push beyond the discomfort of the change required for adopting and eventually mastering new skills.

Shift to Success:

Reframe your beliefs about negotiation.

Consider negotiation as an opportunity to shape a result that meets your needs. Just about everything is negotiable – if you see it that way! Recognize that you negotiate every day, in many small and some significant situations; to be more satisfied with what you end up with, you might as well practice being a good negotiator!

Allow yourself to get uncomfortable with your status quo, and to get comfortable with challenging any limiting beliefs that block your progress in becoming an effective negotiator.

Practice whenever you can, particular with smaller less-risky negotiations; when you face the more significant negotiations, you will be ready to face them more confidently and more effectively.

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Is Your Self-Worth Driving Your Net Worth?

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Self-Worth = Net Worth?

Meggan Watterson, Harvard trained theologian and author of the critically acclaimed new book REVEAL: A Sacred Manual For Getting Spiritually Naked, sees a relationship between self-worth and net-worth.

If your net-worth is not where you want it to be today, consider the state of your self-worth: is it reflecting your net worth? Chances are it might be.

So why is that? Let’s take a look…

If you’ve been to any of my Art of Negotiation for Women seminars or presentations, you’ve heard me say there are 3 types of worth at play when it comes to earning your worth – really claiming your worth and getting paid what you’re worth. This is true for professionals AND entrepreneurs.

Three Types of Worth:

External: Your worth in the marketplace
Situational: Your worth to the other person (hint: this is all about their needs, wants and desires)
Internal: You got it – this is all about your self-worth

It might be easy to think you can handle each one of these separately, but it usually doesn’t work that way, especially for women. You want to look at, examine and even enhance all three – and often enhancing your self-worth can be solved through your actions in one of the other two areas.

Let’s take a look at the third type of worth – your Internal or Inner Worth. How you view yourself, how you value yourself, how you LOVE yourself.

A Woman’s Worth

We know that our self-worth as women is generally tangled up in society’s views of women, what a woman should do or be, what a woman’s worth. And that includes our own family’s views. We often internalize these views that others hold, even on a subconscious level where they gain a firm foothold as a limiting belief. If this is you, your inner worth – your self-worth – becomes a reflection of what others think.

Sound familiar? Well I want you to know it’s not your fault.

Heck, we have millennia of history (herstory?) and generations before us that show women in very limited roles in society, and most often without rights to earn their own money or own their own property.

Did you know…?

Did you know that women in the United States could not apply for their own credit card until 1974??? (Yes, really that is true – it took federal legislation to change that). Sadly, these rights remain unavailable for women in many other cultures. {Although arguably we would ALL be better off with less access to credit! :-}

So what’s a girl to do?

Well, first: let’s ask instead “what’s a WOMAN would to do?” Because really, we aren’t girls anymore, and how we refer to ourselves matters. Language is powerful – the words we choose convey a lot.

As Rachel Wilkerson said recently on her blog,

…referring to adult women as girls is problematic. First, it seems to undermine our experiences and maturity. I don’t want to be referred to as a girl at work; I’m a capable adult and should be given the appropriate title that reflects that. Second, the term “girl” seems like a way of excusing our own bad behavior or our lack of responsibility. To me, “girl” implies that I’m young and therefore allowed to be irresponsible…I feel like calling myself and my peers “women” helps me raise my standards and expectations.

Here are Three Things you can do, right now:

Hang Out With Others Who Demonstrate High Self-Worth

It’s been said many times that your net worth is the average of the five people you spend the most time with. The same can be said about your inner worth and personal growth.

Role models and mentors are key to bolstering your belief and trust in yourself – in building up your Inner Worth, and fending off any contrary views, regardless of whether they are internalized or verbalized by your family, your friends or your foes.

This is so much easier today, where you can “hang out” with high level mentors and role models on-line! Follow those you admire, and really listen. Be on the look-out for what they do, what they say, and what they believe. Especially where their self-worth has been challenged and yet they have succeeded in forging a strong sense of self and self-worth.

See if you can model what you are learning from them.

Protect Your Inner Sanctum

Be careful what views you allow into your Inner Sanctum – your Mind: your thoughts, beliefs and emotions. Watch what conversations you are having with others: if they are anti-role models for you, find a graceful way to nip the conversation in the bud.

I love what Brené Brown said in her recent interview with Oprah, about dealing with negative feedback (in particular that toxic, anonymous, tear-down feedback) about her work: “I made a commitment that if you are not in the arena getting your butt kicked on occasion, I’m not interested in your feedback.” Then check out her latest book, Daring Greatly.

Value What You Do

We’ll dive deeper into increasing your sense of self-worth in future articles. For now, here’s the thing I want you to get:

I can teach you everything I know about negotiating, and about negotiating for yourself (a key differentiator for women as it turns out – but not for men).

But at the end of the day, if you don’t feel worthy of asking, then you won’t. It’s that simple. I know this is true because you’re telling me the truth. You won’t ask for what you want, and you won’t ask for more than they offer.

Let me say this another way:

In order to be able to ask, you have to FEEL that you are worthy of asking.

Before we even look at how to ask for what you want, we want to first get clear that you ARE worthy of asking, and you are worthy of receiving what you are asking for.

The place to start is to VALUE what you do, and that includes everything you do, whether you exchange it for money or not. Value how and where you spend your time and your money. If you do not value your time and energy, you block your flow of receiving in exchange for your services. And that includes money.

If you’re hoping that other people will see your value and give you more… (You know who you are)

If you’re hoping someone else will unlock your prison of under-earning for you…

Well, my friend, you are going to be waiting for a long time.

As the results show after 50 years of the U.S. Equal Pay Act and 30 years of aggressive Pay Equity legislation in most jurisdictions in Canada (except my province of BC) – there is a slow and painful reality to waiting for someone else – your boss, your spouse or even the government – to wake up and give you what you’re worth.

When YOU value your gifts and your services – truly value what you do and who you are – when YOU stand in that energy and YOU are willing to see your own magnificence, then others are able to see that too.

It truly is A Matter of Simple Justice to know your own worth! And if you’re having trouble inventorying your value on your own, ask for help! Ask colleagues, friends and family (those whom you trust to give you a straight answer) what they value about you – your gifts, your strengths, and your assets. You might be surprised to find out what they see in you.

It’s time. Time to do a little exploring. Time to inventory. Time to clarify. Time to ask.

Time to ride your own white horse to your own rescue.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it…

Journal this question: What could you do right now to honor your worth more? Right now. Commit to implementing one thing for the next 7 days.

Then come back in one week and journal this question: What has changed for you?

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Would You Like to Seal the Deal and Put 20% More in Your Pocket?

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Putting it in Writing – Part II

Putting Your Offer in Writing

Last time I talked about the value of getting any agreement in writing, even if you only confirm it in a simple email. This time, let’s look at the value of putting your offer in writing and giving it to the other side.

In the legal world it is common to open negotiations with some kind of offer in writing that typically declares a client’s position or demand. Sometimes the negotiations continue in writing until the parties reach an agreement; other times negotiations break down and the parties and/or their counsel take their case to a third party mediator or a judge to bring them to an agreement or a final decision.

Consider where else you can find value in putting your offer in writing, when you may influence or persuade another more effectively in writing.

I was recently the guest expert on an Ask the Expert call for Women’s Financial Learning Center, where the Q&A session focused on salary negotiations, as a follow-up to a tele seminar on the 7 Mistakes in Salary Negotiation. One listener asked whether it is wise to submit your request for a higher salary in writing. I recommended – among other things – considering the level of formality expected in the organization, and the level of position in question.

Does your situation call for a written offer?

For example, a senior executive – especially those in the C-suite – would likely want the various offers dealt with in writing, in particular as the compensation packages at that level can be quite complex and structured in a variety of complicated ways.

In contrast, if your dream job is at a more casual “jeans and t-shirt” style company where any negotiations take place in conversation over coffee or lunch, making a written offer may be less effective, even over the top. However, test your assumptions on this one; that casual dress style may belie the seriousness of the management style.

Why it’s valuable to document your offer

Either way, it can prove quite valuable to lay out in a document all the reasons why you are asking for something, whether that is a raise or higher salary, a flexible work week, or an extra monitor for your desk computer.

Here’s a great example that one of the Ask the Expert participants gave that illustrates the value of putting your request or offer in writing:

A young woman approached her manager (our participant) to ask for a substantial raise – 20% — at a time when the organization had been experiencing economic difficulty. She gave a very clear and persuasive verbal presentation detailing all the reasons why she was worth a 20% raise, including the extra work she had taken on and all the other things that created value added for the organization. She backed up her presentation with a written document outlining all her reasons, and gave her manager a copy. Her manager was quite persuaded the young woman had a good point, and took the written document to her superiors, who would ultimately make the decision. Now, impressed as they were, the young woman did not ultimately get her full 20% — BUT just about all of it!

Why did she do so well, despite poor economic conditions?

Let’s break it down.

She did her homework. She was prepared.

She decided WHAT she wanted, and WHAT she would ask for (note: these can often be different amounts. We’ll save that for another post).
She crafted reasons why what she requested would matter to her employer; she laid out WHY she was asking.
She understood that she first needed to influence her manager that what she asked for was reasonable and of value to the organization.
She made it easy for her manager to say “yes” through her verbal and written presentation. When we make things easy for others to say “yes”, they are more likely to do so.
She also made it easy for her manager to then present her “case” with the back-up document to the powers that be – the decision-makers.
Finally, she also then made it easy for the decision-makers to say yes – her manager supported her request, and her back-up documentation laid it all out in front of them.

THE BIG LESSON

The lesson here is to consider how putting your request or offer in writing will help you in your negotiations, and how you can best use that document. A primary benefit will be to help you clarify your thinking; clarify what you want and why that will matter to the other side. This helps you to prepare for the negotiation conversation. Even if you don’t show it to the other side, this value alone will improve your satisfaction with your outcome.

If you are going to give your document to the other side, consider HOW you will share it – as a follow-up to your verbal request in the conversation, or later by email; or the reverse, will you begin the conversation by sending them your document and offer to discuss?

There are myriad ways you can support your negotiations with a written document. If you’ve done your preparation homework, you’ll have a good sense of whether to share it, when the optimum moment is to share it, and how to present it to them.

Even if you never share that document, it’s greatest value may be to YOU, to clarify your thoughts and organize your message.

And that’s WORTH a lot!

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Why We Love Putting It In Writing (And You Should, Too!)

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Putting it in Writing – Part I

I always advise that it is wise to ensure that you get any agreement in writing – even if it’s as simple as following up your negotiation conversation with an email detailing your understanding of the agreement and requesting a confirmation by reply; just make sure you also keep the emails! File them with your other important documents.

Putting any agreement in writing ensures that you both have a shared understanding, and gives you a record of that agreement to refer back to if any questions, disagreements or diversions from that agreement arise later on.

Consider any agreed change as an opportunity to put your understanding in writing, and seek confirmation or agreement on that.

Why is this so important?

As a mediator and former practicing lawyer, I know only too well the devastation people experience when they rely on a verbal agreement, only to find later that their expectations were radically different. Can you spell conflict? This is one that can be easily avoided (and I don’t mean by running away!)

What if you agree to take on an extra project at work? One which will require you to work extra hours, in exchange for an extra week’s vacation so you can attend your friend’s wedding next spring in Maui? You may trust that your current boss will honour that agreement, but what if something happens to her and she leaves the company? What if she has a different recollection in six months time?

It can be as simple as an email.

Getting it in writing doesn’t have to mean an elaborate document full of legalese. In many cases, it’s sufficient to tap out an email of your understanding of what you and the other person just decided, or agreed to. Check that your understanding matches and ask for any changes. Then keep your emails in a file as a record of your conversation, your understanding, your agreement.

Get confirmation of it in writing in this way, and you won’t have to worry about the future vacation time.

Have a Mai Tai for me!

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Feminine Advocacy: How to Ask For and Get What You Want

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Recently, I was invited to speak at the 2013 mSummit here in Vancouver BC, about “Feminine Advocacy” for savvy working moms. I was totally excited because the keynote speaker was Arlene Dickinson, co-star of Dragon’s Den, and I really wanted to meet her in person, get my dog-eared copy of her book Persuasion signed, and most of all to have my picture taken with Arlene! How fun would that be – two red-heads!

Alas, the last part was not to be.

Although I sat a few feet from Arlene’s great shoes during her keynote talk, the luncheon ran late, and Arlene’s book signing and photo session ran directly opposite my own talk. Not only did I miss my photo op with Arlene, many of those who signed up for my talk had to make a hard choice about what they wanted – and hey, I do not blame anyone who chose Arlene’s session. In the end, my small audience was just perfect – they got what they wanted too.

Afterwards, I got to think about sharing my message on Feminine Advocacy beyond that talk. Over the next few posts, I’m going to share the core of my talk: the 3 Feminine Advocacy Secrets to Asking For and Getting What You Want.

First, why “Feminine Advocacy?” And what is it, exactly?

Back in the dark ages when I was in law school (aka the 1980s), I studied Feminist Advocacy, which was, I dare say, a bit different than the subject I was being asked to speak about to a group of working moms in 2013. And yet, perhaps in a way it wasn’t.

In the 1980s it took the feminist lens to shake up conventional, traditional and patriarchal thinking about what made for good advocacy in court, and what made a “female” lawyer effective (how we were described back then). A group of us women asked for this course to be created. We wanted to learn how to be in the world – how to be a good lawyer, and how to be women in a (still then) man’s profession.

Fast forward 25 years later, and women are still “leaning in” to claim leadership and our rightful place at the table. The gender wage gap continues in Canada, even after 20 plus years of pay equity legislation federally and in most provinces and territories (except in BC, my current home K), and in the U.S. as well. Women aged 25 to 34 earned 78.3 cents for each dollar received by their male counterparts in 2010 (Conference Board of Canada). The need for change continues.

“Feminine Advocacy” is also about how to be a woman in this modern world. How to ask for, advocate for, what you want in your career, business and life. The difference today is the depth and breadth of experience we now have with what makes for good leadership overall, as well as proven results in how gender differences enrich business outcomes and contribute to a stronger bottom-line, triple or otherwise.

Why “Advocacy”? In starting to prepare my talk for mSummit, I consulted dictionary.com and my own dictionary (the 10-pound behemoth Webster’s Encyclopedic Dictionary I’ve carted across Canada since undergrad English) for a formal definition of “advocacy”. Here’s what I found:

Advocacy: “The act of pleading or arguing in favor of something, e.g. a cause, idea or policy.” Or more simply à la Webster’s: “advocating”, which in turn is defined as “to plead on behalf or, or use persuasion in support of.”

Here’s the reality with advocacy. It’s still only one side of the story. As great as your ability to persuade or plead is, the reality is that others do what they want to do, for their own reasons. And they will be persuaded by you, or not, for their own reasons.

Another reality: advocacy works best when you have influenced another person to do something, think or believe something. And influencing is most effective when you consider the needs of the other person. My definition of “Feminine Advocacy” incorporates the feminine need for connection, the natural inclination to “tend and befriend” in crisis.

Feminine Advocacy seeks to influence others towards what you want by considering how it works for them. Let’s face it, if what you want doesn’t benefit them in some way that is valuable to them, why would they do it? Sure, you could try to control the situation, or try to force them to do it. I think you already know how that will turn out. Especially in the long-term.

Advocacy is one of three essential skills in my Diamond Negotiation Model in the Art of Negotiation for Women VIP Program. Advocacy is about sharing your wants, needs, and objectives – what you want to achieve. Inquiry is about being curious about the other person – their wants, needs, and objectives – what they want to achieve. Listening is the skill that bridges Inquiry and Advocacy.

Here’s the tricky thing for women. Advocating for yourself, asking for what you want, is something you are four times less likely than a man to do. And there’s a lot of research now that backs this up, particular when it comes to salary. Research also shows when women are given the skills and tools, they negotiate just as well as men do on behalf of their company or someone else, but poorly on their own behalf; however, there was no difference in the results for men; i.e. their results were the same whether they negotiated for themselves or someone else.

So what’s the secret, then, besides acting as if you are advocating on behalf of someone else (hint: that’s a pretty great secret)?

I’ll reveal the mystery in upcoming posts.

Coming up Next: Feminine Advocacy Secret #1.

Conversation Secrets are HOT!!

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Conversation Secrets are HOT!!

Thank you to our many supporters and new book buyers! On Launch Day (September 23) my new book Conversation Secrets For Tomorrow’s Leaders climbed to the #1 Hot New Release spot and #2 Bestseller in two categories on Amazon Canada: Business Leadership and Leadership in Business Management! Plus, we reached #16 for Kindle and #20 for Paper in the overall Leadership category!

If you haven’t already grabbed your copy, check out the Conversation Secrets portal to the not-so-secret Launch Bonuses.

Click the button below to order your copy from Amazon (CA or US) or Indigo (CA) right from our portal.

Conversation Secrets + Bonuses

I woke up from a hangover. A Tall Poppy adrenaline hangover. I crashed. Had a nap out in the park. Here’s why… Yesterday’s Tall Poppy Revolution Power Up and Thrive Summit was Ah-Mazing! “T…

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I woke up from a hangover.

A Tall Poppy adrenaline hangover. I crashed. Had a nap out in the park. Here’s why…

Yesterday’s Tall Poppy Revolution Power Up and Thrive Summit was Ah-Mazing!

“Tall Poppy was terrific!”
“The speakers were just fabulous”
“What an inspiring session! Thank you”
“Especially enjoy the theme of “thriving” rather than “striving”-best for the long haul!”
“I am so enjoying today!”
“A truly wonderful event, thank you”

We even had a post-event mini-dance party! Which brought out, I think my favourite comment: “YOU ROCK!”

Much gratitude to our wonderful speakers Valerie Young Carla Rieger @SheilaNetti @HeatherOdendaal @DaliaFeldheim @SableBadaki @TeenaEvert @AnjelBHartwell @ElisaJames
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#impostersyndrome #womenleaders #womensleadership #womensleadershipsummit #powerupandthrive #powerupandthrivesummit #tallpoppyrevolution #thriveindisruption #diversityandinclusion #inclusiveleadership #genderequality #womensequalityday #intersectionalleadership #mindsetshift #mindstories #womenandwealth

I woke up from a hangover. A Tall Poppy adrenaline hangover. I crashed. Had a nap out in the park. Here’s why… Yesterday’s Tall Poppy Revolution Power Up and Thrive Summit was Ah-Mazing! “T…

1 Reply

I woke up from a hangover.

A Tall Poppy adrenaline hangover. I crashed. Had a nap out in the park. Here’s why…

Yesterday’s Tall Poppy Revolution Power Up and Thrive Summit was Ah-Mazing!

We even had a post-event mini-dance party! Which brought out, I think my favourite comment: “YOU ROCK!”

Much gratitude to our wonderful speakers Valerie Young Carla Rieger Sheila Netti Heather Odendaal Dalia Feldheim Sable Badaki(she,her,hers) Teena Evert Anjel B Hartwell Elisa James
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Tomorrow is Women’s Equality Day!

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Tomorrow is Women’s Equality Day! The 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment granting women the right to vote in the U.S.

Find out how we are celebrating!
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#womensequalityday #genderequality #inclusion #powerupandthrive #powerupandthrivesummit #womenpower #womenleaders #womeninbusiness #womenlead #empoweringwomen #empoweredwomen

Why we’re celebrating!

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Tomorrow is Women’s Equality Day! The 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment granting women the right to vote in the U.S.

An older post from October 2018 that never launched on Buffer: How’s your Self Worth? Today’s lessons from my workout with Daily Burn @TiffanyElsener #SelfWorth #WorthIt #BetterLifeBootcamp #Brin…

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An older post from October 2018 that never launched on Buffer:
How’s your Self Worth? Today’s lessons from my workout with Daily Burn @TiffanyElsener #SelfWorth #WorthIt #BetterLifeBootcamp #BringIt

7 Affirmations to Turn On The Happiness Button

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In 2018 Dave and I started using the free Insight Meditation app to support our meditation practice. We selected one each day, depending on our mood. One that we liked, and did from time to time is the Morning Meditation with Music by Johnathan Lehmann* particularly since this meditation is designed to “help you switch on the happiness button in your brain and have a magical day”.

In December when I started reading Happy This Year, I decided to take up Johnathan’s challenge to do what I call the “Happiness Button Meditation” every day for 10 days – he “guaranteed” I would see significant changes in my life.

I’d say he’s right!

The Happiness Button includes seven affirmations that I can now repeat almost verbatim without thinking. I have noticed how situations show up throughout the day with opportunities to apply these affirmations.

I make plans but I remain flexible to what the universe has in store for me. I try to say yes as often as possible.
I cultivate patience and by doing so I also cultivate confidence.
I welcome the opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone and I do not let myself be guided by fear.
I love myself unconditionally because it’s essential to my happiness. I love myself the way I am, and I do not need others approval to love myself fully.
I’m going to drink water, eat f & v, walk, talk the stairs, exercise. Today I’m giving love to my body.
I give everywhere I go, even if only a smile or compliment. Listening as I go. Listening is the best gift I can give to those around me.
I try to be impeccable with my word and to speak only to spread positivity. It’s counterproductive to speak against myself or against others.

Silence is the Golden Ticket

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Q: Any recommendations on how best to use “silence” in negotiations?

A: ZIP IT!!

Silence in negotiation is a powerful tool when you use it purposefully.

This Week’s Question comes from a participant in the Negotiate Naturally: Tips for Women Entrepreneurs webinar I led earlier this week for the Women’s Enterprise Center.

Human nature wants to fill a silence, especially in our largely extroverted western culture. In conversation, silence feels uncomfortable to many. Even in nature, many find silence unfamiliar and uncomfortable and feel compelled to play music. We are used to noise, the sound of ours and others’ voices.

However, “silence is golden” is still true. Rare, valuable and powerful. Especially when used strategically in negotiation.

Recognize your own impulse to rush in to fill a silence, as well as how it can be helpful to you when others fill your silence.

The key with using any behaviour, tactic, or strategy is to match it to your goal or objective (which you have prepared, right? ;0)

How to use silence in negotiation to reach your goal:

Show your disagreement. Silence can indicate your displeasure with an offer, or that you are thinking about it. Pause. Don’t say anything for a bit. The other person may fill that silence with a justification, explanation, or even another better offer, as they may have assumed your silence indicates displeasure or disagreement. However, beware of your own tendency to do the same!
Show your strength. Once you have stated what you want, just STOP. Stay silent to let your offer or ask sink in. Don’t rush in and fill up the silence with justifications, explanations or attempts to convince. Just ZIP IT. Pause. Wait. Let them come back with their answer.

When you fill the silence after you ask, you risk doing two things.

First, you take up space they may need to process your ask, to think about it. You may have surprised them and they need a moment to craft their response. If you fill the silence, you may deny them an opportunity to come to your side on their own.

Second, you inadvertently dilute your ask. What if it’s good enough on its own? By rushing in and filling the silence, you could signal that you don’t believe in it yourself! That you are justifying your ask out loud because you don’t really believe you deserve it or trust that it is possible for them to give.

Prime yourself to stand for your ask with confidence. Ask for it. then just stop.

Zip it.

Try it out.

Let us know in the comments how silence has worked for you!

Six skills for better conversations to practice and master.

Create a safe space.

Ask questions.

Listen.

Respond with a related comment.

Share about yourself.

Keep your phone out of sight.

Now for a conversation invitation…

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When you get outside your comfort zone and ask for a raise, you raise your profile.

Boom! Profile raised.

How’s that working for you?

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Can you use better negotiation skills?

CLARIFY TO AMPLIFY

CONNECT TO PARTNER AND PROFIT

COLLABORATE TO CREATE YES

CRAFT THE CONVERSATION

COMMIT AND CELEBRATE

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Knowledge Empowers You™.

Highlights from Scott’s short tutorial on the art of negotiation:

Knowledge without action is just data. Implementation is key to succeed.

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Are you Under-Earning?

7 Signs You Could Be Under-Earning:

You are not Shining Your Light.

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Client Contract Negotiation Basics for IT Consultants

When Negotiating IT Contracts, Clarity is Key

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A gremlin has been activated and is feeding your mind all kinds of crazy thoughts about your goal.

Here’s what’s going on at a deeper level. Either you:

If the pursuit of one goal feels in conflict with another desire, need or goal, we have to find the win-win where both can be achieved peacefully.

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Three Tips to make October “Commitment Month”

1. The Declaration: Making the Commitment.

2. Support Structures: Keeping the Commitment

3. Re-Committing, Over and Over: Sustaining the Commitment

The Results?

Your challenge:

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Are You Being Lied to in Your Negotiations?

WOMEN are equally likely as men to lie to another woman in negotiation

1. Test Now, Trust Later.

2. Do Your Homework, First.

3. Test Again.

The Bottom Line:

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Are there places where you don’t go for it?

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Negotiation Tip: Clarify What You Really Want

The Impact of Clarity is Exponential

“What I really want is…”

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Money, Work and Self-Worth

1. Be Willing to Talk About Money